Forgetting

Serena

CATEGORY: B/A angst
DISCLAIMER: Okay, you actually THINK I could be so mean? I obviously don't own them, I could never do that to them. Buffy and Angel belong to Joss Whedon, who is just THE evilest man ever... Oh, and he kinda gave me permission, I mean he said that he wanted to make a show that people could write fanfic for...and that's what I'm doing. No sue, 'kay?
TIMELINE: during I Will Remember You
SPOILERS: MAJOR I Will Remember You spoilers...
RATING: PG-13
DISTRIBUTION: my page, http://www.angelfire.com/ny2/serenav/index.html. Felicity, Dreamer, Michelle. Anyoen else who wants it, just ask. :-) I can share.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: It was just too traumatizing. I Will Remember You was the epitome of evil. And I had to write this, and its companion piece, because it was too sad. This contains major spoilers for the episode, and it is my therapy. Oh, and it's Angel's point of view for the episode, sorry if it seems weird in parts. I was kinda skipping through some of the episode when I wrote this. Let me know if it helps you, too, okay?
FEEDBACK: I live for it...I'll even beg. Really, after what Joss did to me I need some happies...
DEDICATION: This is for all my fellow B/A fans out there, and especially for Jess and Rose. This wouldn't have been written without you guys. :-)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Oh, God, she's here.

My love, my little Slayer, the object of my deepest desires...the one I do everything for. She's here, and she's mad. I've never seen her look so beautiful.

The world just falls away. I don't know anything but her...there *is* nothing but her. My beautiful Buffy...oh, how I'd missed her. The trip to Sunnydale made me realize how much I really miss her, how much I need her, how much I love her. And now she's here, and I could say nothing.

She doesn't think she's important to me? My God...she is the center of my universe. She is the light of my life, how can she not understand that? I love her more than anything in the world, I think about her every minute. She haunts me every night, with the memories we shared and the life we could never have together. She must know...

I felt her, too. Somewhere, deep in my soul, I knew her coming long before she crossed the threshold. She's like a beacon, I can feel when she's near, I can sense her every thought and emotion...the power of it all is terrifying. Our bond is that strong, that deep, that wondrous...

God, I miss her.

"So, let's just stick to the plan," my beloved said, her voice sad, and yet strong at the same time. "We'll keep our distance 'til some time has passed. Given enough time, we should be able to--"

"Forget."

What was I thinking? Forget? We could never forget, no matter how many centuries--millennia, even--went by, we would always remember. We were destined to be together, and our memories were there to guide us through the dark times, the hard times. Forgetting wasn't even an option.

Our love was forever.

The look on her face when I said that one horrible word...it was heartbreaking. I wanted to take it back, I wanted to run to her and fall to my knees and beg for her forgiveness for my weakness and stupidity. But what we want and what we do are two different things. Either way, I was cursed.

She bit her lower lip--the lip I wanted to feel pressed against mine--and I saw her struggle. She can't hide anything from me, just as I can hide nothing from her. We're joined together, joined by something much more knowing and powerful than either of us, and that was our greatest strength and biggest weakness. God, the temptation is too much...and I'm so weak...

"Yeah," she said softly, her voice betraying her. She wasn't agreeing. She was the voice of reason, the voice of sanity in this insane conversation. Buffy knew that I didn't mean it, her eyes wavered from mine for the briefest moment and I knew that she knew.

"So...I'm gonna go," she said, "start forgetting." And with that, she turned to walk away from me.

It hurt more than I could bear.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I'm human.

I breathe air.

My heart beats.

I feel like I haven't eaten in two hundred and twenty years. Well, I haven't...

I'm human...

This is unbelievable. I'm alive, and I will live out the life of a mortal man. I'll have children, grow old, die. This is just...a dream. But it's not, it's real...

And I have to find Buffy.

The barrier that had been between us is suddenly gone, the distance has been closed and there's nothing in our way now. I can give her everything she's ever wanted, and all she never knew she craved. And my hunger for her blinds me, threatens to drive me mad. I have to find her, I have to show her. I have to love her.

The boardwalk.

I've been in the sun before. The Ring of Amara made sure of that. But now...everything's different. The world, once a place where I was on the outside looking in, is suddenly all around me. It fills my senses, threatening to overcome my control...but through it all, she silently calls out to me. She is my beacon in this harsh world, and I will always find my way back to her.

Our bond is forever.

And then suddenly I see her, standing in the sunlight. Her hair glows with an ethereal shine, as though she is an angel sent down to Earth, and she glides across the ground with the grace of an Olympian goddess. There are tears in my eyes, for the first time in a long time I'm about to cry. She looks so beautiful, and she loves me...

I rush up to her. I try to stay cool and calm, take my time to reach her. Just goes to show that when you want something so desperately, you throw logic out the window. She's in shock, and I smile as I come to a stop before her. Without thinking, I gather her in my arms and dip my head down, catching her lips with mine.

They meld and sparks fly. It's been so long since I've tasted her, I drink her up like a man who has been denied water for days. She fills my senses and there is nothing but she and I under the brilliant sun and everything is perfect. All the pent-up frustration, the longing, the love...it comes through in this kiss. My fingers thread through her golden hair and I pull her closer still.

I can never get enough of her.

After an eternity locked in passion's embrace, we break away. Her hand leaves my neck and journeys slowly to my face, brushing against my cheek softly. I sigh and turn my head into her palm, this feels so right...

"How?" she asks simply. I lower my forehead to hers, allowing it to rest and gather energy from her. The sun is so wonderful, it beats down on my back and warms me to the core. I'd forgotten how much I missed it...

"The demon's blood. It mixed with mine and made me human," I told her. She sucked in a deep breath and pressed her forehead to mine tightly. Her delicate hands grip the back of my neck as she looks up and I see her soul once more.

"Human..." she repeated. I nod slightly. It's all so new, so exciting. Like a gift that I've waited for forever... "Angel, you're human."

"Yeah," I laughed, "stranger things have not happened."

"Angel..." she says, joy and disbelief on her face. Suddenly she jumps into my arms, crushing her lips to mine once again. There is so much passion, so much love, so much joy in that kiss... I spin her around and around, laughing the whole time. This is a dream. It has to be a dream...

What did I ever do to deserve this?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

She thinks I don't want her. There couldn't be anything further from the truth.

I want her with everything I am, everything that I've ever been. I love her more than anything in this world and there is nothing more I want to do than show her exactly how I feel. It's such a temptation...

But what if we rush into things and find out we went too fast? What if there's too much between us and we find out we can never be like we were before? What if...

And then our hands touch, and I lose the ability to think. A spark has been born, one that will turn into a fire that will never be sated, and we are helpless to it. As our hands raise slowly, I gaze down into her sad eyes and I have the undeniable urge to kiss her, to taste her, to love her...

And then we're kissing, with such an intensity that we almost collapse to the floor. I begin walking, wanting to reach the bedroom. The refrigerator is in our way.

It'll do.

Our bodies are as close as they can possibly be without being one. In the blink of an eye, her legs are wrapped around my waist and she's pushed flush up against the cool metal. And suddenly we're headed for the table, and with a strong push I shove everything off of it. The dishes smash, forgotten on the floor. It's just Buffy and I, for once there is nothing standing in our way.

Carpe diem.

On the kitchen table, no less.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

This is all unreal. I know that any moment I'll wake up in a cold, empty bed with nothing but pain clouding my mind and heart. I cannot possibly be in bed with Buffy, enjoying peanut butter and chocolate and ice cream. There is no way I could even dream it. I can still feel her body on mine, her warmth, her glow, her love.

And then she licks ice cream off my chest, her eyes sparkling with mischief. And I laugh for the first time, truly laugh, because I have just fallen in love with this beautiful angel all over again. There will be no more time apart. That is a thing of the past.

It's too painful.

And then there's nothing but her once again, her scent, her taste, her love. It's always her love that wraps around me, keeping me safe. And when we're too exhausted to move, we lie tangled illicitly in the sheets, quietly enjoying each other's company.

I made her feel like a normal girl.

It's a good thing I can't lose my soul...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It's gone. It's all gone. In a few minutes, this'll be nothing but memories. And only I'll know, only I'll remember. Will I be strong enough to carry this burden for eternity? Surely the weight will become too great and I will crumble beneath it...Buffy and I will never get our life. Our happiness has already been ripped away. It is done, and there is nothing I can do but hold her and reassure her.

It's all coming apart and I'm helpless to stop it.

I made my choice, once again without her. But this is all for her, it's always for her. I'm glad she won't remember... This way, she can move on like she had been. On the brink of something...that cuts deeper than anything has before. I know she is just doing what I asked. But it still hurts...

There's only a minute left. Oh, Fates, this is too cruel. Surely this too is nothing but a prank, and the minute hand will tick and nothing will happen. We hold each other, those last few seconds. After this, there will be no more happiness. No more fairy tale ending. This is it.

Why is this all being taken from me? What did we ever do to deserve this?

We kiss, knowing it's goodbye. Goodbye to each other and the life we could have had. Why is life so hard, so unfair? I need her to survive, she is my everything...

And now it's being ripped away.

And a part of my soul is being ripped away as well.

She says she'll never forget. And I wish to a God I don't believe in that she won't. I want her to remember this day we spent together, this precious time we were allowed unadulterated happiness that no one could take away. We were so close, so in tune with one another...I wonder if anything's ever been so powerful.

There's a bright light and we're ripped apart, and through everything I hear her whisper.

"I love you."

"I love you, too, my little Slayer. Never forget..."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And we're back where we started from. She has no memory of it. Our conversations the same, and once again I utter that idiotic phrase. I don't want to forget.

I can't forget.

Neither can she

.

That doesn't console me in the least. I know what we had, everything we shared. From now on there will always be cookie dough fudge mint chip ice cream in the fridge. Every time I fall asleep I'll see and feel her in my bed, and my arms, sound asleep and blissfully happy. The kitchen table will always hold special memories, and the pier in Santa Monica will get weekly visits from a cursed vampire in unbearable pain.

That won't make it easier.

She's asking, now, how I knew how to kill it. I want so badly to tell her, I want her to suddenly remember. I shouldn't have to carry this burden alone. But the Oracles did as I wished, and I am powerless to do anything else.

A hunger fills me once more, not for blood or chocolate or sunlight. It's a hunger for her. And I know it will never be satisfied. Knowing what we did...it will haunt me for the rest of my lonely days.

There's a pause in our conversation, and I almost break. All I have to do is tell her...

And then it's too late. She's walked away from me, with no memory of the day we shared or the pain it caused.

She'll never know.

I'll never forget...

END

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